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By Bill | October 25, 2007 | Email This Post
Earlier this week, Chuck Norris announced his support for Mike Huckabee. Celebrity endorsements are a matter of course in American politics, but sometimes they make strange bedfellows; Hillary Clinton, for example, has (predictably) picked up the backing of Babs Streisand, but has also received donations from such luminaries as Jerry Springer and Marla Maples.
Still, donations are one thing, but having an ally such as Norris ready to do battle on your behalf is something else again. Huckabee shows the way; each of the other candidates clearly must seek out a similar Hollywood champion if they are to have any hope in the 2008 election. Here, then, are some likely pairings:
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| Candidate: Joe Biden |
| Connection: Both want to keep the Shiites from ruining Bushw… er, Baghdad. |
| Champion: Judge Elihu Smails |
| Special Attack: Billy Baroo |
| Slogan: “I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. I felt I owed it to them” |
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| Candidate: Hillary Clinton |
| Champion: Ellen Ripley |
| Connection: The sequel is pretty good, you just wish someone else was starring in it. |
| Special Attack: Underwear flash. |
| Slogan:“You’re guaranteed by law to get a share.” |
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| Candidate: John Edwards |
| Champion: Dr. Benjamin Stone |
| Connection: Humble beginnings leading to plastic surgery and $400 haircuts, eventually trying to redeem their souls by helping the poor. |
| Special Attack: Impassioned self-realization. |
| Slogan: “Wear make-up, put on a dress. Panties are optional.” |
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| Candidate: Dennis Kucinich |
| Champion: Kwai Chang Caine |
| Connection: Wandering the earth taking up the cause of the downtrodden. |
| Special Attack: Mesmerizing bamboo flute. |
| Slogan: “Of all things, to live in darkness must be worst.” |
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| Candidate: Barack Obama |
| Champion: Superman |
| Connection: Hope for America. |
| Special Attack: Super Freezing Breath to hold campaign audiences motionless. |
| Slogan: “I’m here to fight for truth, and justice, and the American way.” |
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| Candidate: Bill Richardson |
| Champion: Kicking Bird |
| Connection: Problems protecting their respective peoples from illegal immigration. |
| Special Attack: Steaming Liver Munch. |
| Slogan: “Tatonka!” |
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| Candidate: Rudy Giuliani |
| Champion: Greatest American Hero |
| Connection: Both had the job of saving America thrust upon them. |
| Special Attack: Grating New York accent combined with irritatingly catchy theme song. |
| Slogan: “Those little green guys they… they didn’t pick us out by accident! We’re supposed to do this as long as it takes.” |
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| Candidate: Mike Huckabee |
| Champion: Chuck Norris (self-declared.) |
| Connection: Conservative prime-time values |
| Special Attack: Roundhouse kick |
| Slogan: “My kind of trouble doesn’t take vacations. “ |
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| Candidate: Ron Paul |
| Champion: Oddjob |
| Connection: Will stop at nothing to return to the gold standard. |
| Special Attack: Flying, razor-edged bowler; longwinded diatribes about monetary policy. |
| Slogan: “Aha!” |
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| Candidate: Mitt Romney |
| Champion: Templeton “Face” Peck |
| Connection: Ability to win the confidence of any voter… particularly the ladies. |
| Special Attack: Smooth Moves |
| Slogan: “I like working for the church now and then. Insurance against judgment day.” |
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| Candidate: John McCain |
| Champion: Major John Reisman |
| Connection: Hard-boiled old soldiers who won’t take any crap from anyone in a military prison. |
| Special Attack: Jim Brown Grenade Dunk |
| Slogan: “I never went in for embroidery, just results.” |
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| Candidate: Fred Thompson |
| Champion: Jack Ryan |
| Connection: The Red October, of course. |
| Special Attack: Home-spun, folksy wisdom; also deadly radiation leaks. |
| Slogan “This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.” |
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| Candidate: Stephen Colbert |
| Champion: Tek Jansen, naturally. |
| Connection: Truthiness. |
| Special Attack: Balls. |
| Slogan: “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” |
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| Candidate: Chris Dodd, Mike Gravel, Duncan Hunter, Tom Tancredo |
| Champion: Redshirt crewman from Star Trek |
| Connection: Availability for new walk-on role next week. |
| Special Attack: Sheer hubris to think that they deserve as much camera time as Kirk and Spock. |
| Slogan: “Aieeeeeee!” |
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